Preparing for a new arrival: helping Surrogacy children adjust to a new sibling

Are you considering growing your family through surrogacy again? This article offers insights and guidance for families who already have children who wish to undergo another surrogacy process. Dr. Ilan Tabak Aviram provides detailed guidelines for every step of the process, to help you and your children navigate this journey, and to help promote a positive and supportive family environment.

Preparation for birth

At what moment should I tell my children about the expected family expansion and the trip abroad?

It’s important to allow enough time in advance of the birth for your children to process their feelings which arise from the news. Remember that children’s sense of time is different from ours, and for them a month sometimes feels like an eternity. Therefore, the appropriate timing that is not too early or too late is around weeks 27-30 (if twins are expected, preferably earlier around weeks 25-28).

What is the best way to tell my children about our expected baby?

Since there isn’t a pregnant belly at home to help illustrate the process, consider using a visual means such as a small and simple book which you can prepare. The book should describe in a simple way the main points of the expected plot. If the children are younger, the book should contain mostly pictures, and as the age increases, more words can be added.

Start the family story with photos of yourselves together – choose photos that reflect the love and warmth of your family. Add a photo of the growing belly, symbolizing the beginning of the adventure. A photo of a plane will take your children on your journey. Then, introduce the birth destination, and if you have photos of the place where the baby will be born, that would be perfect. End the story with photos of your warm home and the playground, to show that the journey returns home.

It’s recommended to include photos of the birth destination (if there is a specific photo of the hotel, for example, that’s great) and also a photo of a newborn baby. It’s important to end the book with pictures of your home, emphasizing that at the end of the journey you return home, to the familiar routine.

The book should be read with the child for the first time. After that, let the child decide how they want to engage with it. Some children might need space to process the information. Occasional reminders or re-readings can be helpful, but don’t push it. The flight is a perfect opportunity to re-read the book with your child and reinforce the excitement about the new baby.

Should I tell my child about the upcoming changes to family routine?

It’s better to let the child ask questions rather than imposing negative insights. For example, instead of saying “we will have less time for you,” it’s more beneficial to present the upcoming event as positive and exciting. Any negative implications, if at all, the child will discover by themselves when they encounter them.

Travel and birth

When considering enlisting the help of family members, it’s crucial to remember your older child’s needs. While you focus on welcoming your new baby, your firstborn will need extra attention and companionship. Having a familiar face around during the birth and immediate postpartum period can be incredibly reassuring for them. A rotating schedule of family members can help ensure that your older child feels loved and supported during this transition.

Traveling can be quite a change for children, so it’s helpful to establish a new routine while on vacation that incorporates familiar elements from home. This can help them feel more secure and comfortable in a new environment. Time with the children can also be beneficial for socialization and adjustment.

Remember, some children may find it more challenging to adapt to new routines and surroundings, so be patient and understanding. Even though you’ll be busy with the new baby, try to make time for your older child. Help them adjust to their new surroundings and show them that you’re there to support them.

It’s advisable to keep young children away from the delivery room. While childbirth is a joyous occasion, it can also be quite stressful and may involve unexpected events. Such an environment can be overwhelming for children.

It’s important for the first meeting between your older child and the newborn to take place in a calm and relaxed environment, preferably outside the hospital. If that’s not possible, a quiet and peaceful area within the hospital, like a family room or a quiet waiting area is a good option. The initial meeting should be as casual as possible, allowing the child to approach the baby at their own pace. Avoid showing any signs of pressure or urgency during this interaction. Some children will show great interest in the baby, while others may only glance at them and continue with their activities. It’s important to accept different reactions and avoid being disappointed if the meeting doesn’t go as you expected.

Returning home and adapting in the first months

In the two months leading up to the birth, and in the first few months after, it’s advisable to avoid making significant changes to your children’s routines. This includes weaning from a pacifier, discontinuing bottle-feeding, transitioning to a new bed or room, or starting a new daycare. If you had planned such a change, it’s best to postpone it for at least 3-4 months after the birth. While there may be unavoidable circumstances that require changes (such as moving), it’s important to remember that adapting to these changes can be more difficult for young children.

After the birth, the older child may exhibit some regressive behavior, such as returning to old habits they had outgrown. For example, some children may start using a pacifier again or request to be pushed in a stroller even though they can walk independently. It’s important to allow these behaviors and not to dismiss statements like “I’m a baby too.” These moments of regression should be allowed, within reasonable limits, as trying to stop them abruptly can actually reinforce the child’s desire to regress.

Quality time with the eldest: It’s important to establish a routine of one-on-one quality time with your older child before the baby arrives, such as going to the playground. Continue this routine after the baby is born. This dedicated time is crucial for their well-being and helps them adjust to the new family dynamic. Gradually, you can include the baby in more family activities, but it’s important to maintain at least one afternoon per week for exclusive one-on-one time with the older child.

The initial period, when the baby primarily eats and sleeps, often passes smoothly with little reaction from the older sibling. However, challenges may arise later when the baby becomes more mobile and starts to enter the older child’s space. At this point, the baby might take the older child’s toys, and the older child’s reaction may include aggression. It’s crucial to stop any physical aggression towards the baby while also encouraging the older child to express their feelings verbally.

It’s no secret that the birth of a new baby can disrupt a family’s dynamic, often feeling like an earthquake to the older child (sometimes months after the birth). However, parents should not feel guilty about the changes their older child is experiencing. There’s a general consensus that sharing parental attention and resources among multiple children actually promotes healthy development, even if each child individually receives less.

Involving the older sibling: many children enjoy helping out and feeling important. This can be a helpful way for them to adjust to the changes in the family. It’s a good idea to encourage their help, praise their efforts, and allow them to contribute. However, be careful not to overburden them or take away from their own needs as a child. If the older child is resistant to helping, avoid criticism. Remember, it’s their right to sometimes prioritize their own experiences.

Maintaining your relationship: the load is of course expected to increase and with it also the need to “tick off” tasks. In order to avoid excessive wear and tear in your marital relationship, it is essential to set a regular anchor for quality couple time outside the home on a regular basis. This time is not a luxury –  it will help you maintain an element of shared enjoyment and communication that is not based only on the exchange of instructions for the operation of the household.

We hope this guidance is helpful. If you have additional questions, please contact us and we will be happy to answer them.