Coping with Uncertainty in the Surrogacy Journey

Surrogacy is one of the most exciting and life-changing journeys a person can go through – but alongside the hope and joy, it is often accompanied by intense feelings of lack of control, anxiety, and uncertainty. 
In simple terms: it’s an emotional rollercoaster, and at times it feels as though the ride is moving without us holding onto the safety bar. 

In this blog, we’ll try to make sense of it – what makes the surrogacy journey so emotionally challenging, how it impacts our mental health, and which proven tools from the world of psychology may help us move through this process feeling stronger, calmer, and – equally important – more connected to ourselves and our goal. 

Why Is Surrogacy So Closely Associated with Uncertainty? 

• Like any complex legal-medical process, surrogacy involves many variables that are outside the intended parent’s control: 
• A medical procedure taking place in another person’s body (the surrogate) 
• Legal processes that vary from country to country 
• Cultural, linguistic, and sometimes religious differences 
• Prolonged waiting for tests, answers, approvals, and timelines 
• The psychological difficulty of following a pregnancy that isn’t happening in your own body 

All of this naturally and healthily triggers anxiety – it is the result of trying to understand, predict, and control something that is, by nature, unpredictable. Psychologist Dr. Susan David defines this as a reaction to the gap between our desire for security and control and a reality that cannot be predicted. 

The meaning: You are not to blame for how you feel. This is a human and healthy response to a complex situation. 

Anxiety About the Unknown – It’s Not Your Fault 

Many studies in clinical psychology indicate that uncertainty is one of the main causes of anxiety. 
In the case of surrogacy, intended parents often report symptoms such as: 

• Difficulty sleeping 
• Excessive attention to details 
• A need to fully control the schedule 
• Sudden crying episodes or unexplained emptiness 
• Impatience and constant worry 

And that is completely normal. There is no shame in this – in fact, acknowledging the difficulty is a critical step in dealing with it. 

The good news? There is a way to go through this journey differently – with the help of practical, proven tools from the worlds of therapy and positive psychology. 

Practical Tools for Maintaining Emotional Balance During the Surrogacy Journey

1. Accept the Lack of Control – Without Letting Go of Anchors 

The first step in emotional coping is to recognize and validate the feeling of uncertainty – without fighting it. 
It’s okay not to know everything. Instead of trying to “solve” the uncertainty, try to contain it and set up personal anchors, such as: 

• Keeping a journal 
• Structured (but not obsessive) tracking of the process 
• Creating a personal weekly check-in schedule 
• A daily or weekly ritual that marks small progress 

These anchors won’t eliminate the lack of control – but they create a sense of inner stability. 

2. Build Your “Circle of Control” 

A well-known approach in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is to separate what is within our control from what is not. 
Many parents discover that once they draw out these “circles” – their anxiety decreases. 

Within my control: choosing the agency, setting expectations with the team, staying in touch with the surrogate, practicing self-care 
Not in my control: test results, the surrogate’s physical responses, availability of documents, or logistical issues 

Just identifying these – helps reduce stress. 

3. Maintain Routine and a Sense of Purpose 

During waiting periods, the body may be calm – but the mind races. This can create a sense of disconnection or “floating.” 
The solution: establish a daily or weekly routine, even a minimal one. 

• Work 
• Regular physical activity (walking, yoga, swimming) – which has been shown to reduce anxiety 
• Strengthening social bonds with family and friends 
• Hobbies and personal projects (writing, learning, volunteering) 

Don’t let the surrogacy process take over your entire emotional space – leave room for life itself. 

4. Share – But Wisely 

The need to share is natural – but not everyone knows how to listen or contain. Therefore, share with care: 

• Not everyone around you will understand what you’re going through. Choose people who are respectful, empathetic, and non-judgmental. 
• Set boundaries for invasive questions or judgmental comments 
• Join support groups – like Facebook groups, WhatsApp chats, or in-person meetups with other intended parents 

Healthy sharing strengthens your sense of belonging – and allows for safe emotional processing. 

5. Don’t Be Afraid to Seek Professional Help 

Psychologists, psychotherapists, and emotional support counselors who specialize in fertility and family-building can serve as a significant anchor throughout the journey. 
Even short-term therapy (such as CBT or ACT) has been proven effective in reducing anxiety and uncertainty. 
Sometimes, just 3–6 sessions are enough to gain practical tools that make a real difference in the emotional experience. 

In Conclusion – Uncertainty Is Part of the Journey, Not the End of It 

The path to parenthood through surrogacy is indeed filled with emotional hurdles, but it is also rich in meaning, depth, and personal growth. 
When we give space to the difficulty – without being afraid of it – we can go through this journey stronger, calmer, and most importantly – not alone. 

Tammuz is here to support you, even through the challenging moments. If you’re experiencing emotional distress or instability – reach out. We’re here to listen, guide, or refer you to the right professionals. You are not alone.