Positive psychology and resilience in surrogacy

Striving for happiness, resilience, hope, optimism and a sense of meaning contributes to physical health, success, self-realization and enhances the ability to cope with challenges and difficulties in the best possible way. Positive psychology can help intended parents during the challenging surrogacy process, while reducing anxiety and feelings of lack of control.

Meital Gilboa is an organizational consultant, workshop facilitator and lecturer in the field of positive psychology, working in Israel and around the world for nearly two decades. In this article, Meital talks abouts positive psychology and resilience and how these components can help during the surrogacy process. 

Positive psychology answers the question: how can everyday life be dealt with more effectively and in a way which helps us become stronger and happier?  It strengthens our resilience to cope with life’s challenges, in a way that enables us to stand tall every time, meaning that resilience is our ability to develop flexibility to cope with life’s challenges.

The surrogacy journey is exciting and challenging in the same breath – it can be fraught with uncertainty and trepidation. We are most comfortable under conditions of certainty, whereas uncertainty lowers our confidence and increases our anxiety.

If we think back to the early days of the Covid-19 pandemic, we didn’t know exactly what we were dealing with or when it would end and the anxiety levels were high. However, during the third wave of Covid we knew much more, and anxiety levels dropped. If someone had told us at the beginning of the pandemic, “There will be two unpleasant years, many people will get sick, we will not meet, we will not fly, mass events will be cancelled but two years from now we will return to life as we knew it,” we would have dealt with the situation better. 

During surrogacy, it’s difficult to predict how long the process will take and what will happen along the way. So the question is how do we maintain resilience and positivity in conditions of uncertainty, so we arrive at the birth with optimism and energy to raise the child we dreamed of so much.

How do you best manage mental resources? The key aspect in managing one’s feelings is self-awareness. And it’s natural that during such a significant journey, we strive to be as in control as possible. At the same time, there is a phenomenon called the “paradox of control” – it turns out that when we try to control things that are out of our control our anxiety levels increase and confidence decreases.

When embarking on the surrogacy journey, there will be many variables that are beyond our control, such as waiting time for the donor or the surrogate, the number of attempts, the number of embryos that will be created during fertilization, the donor’s lifestyle and more… If we try to control these variables, we will probably get the same answers: you need patience, there is still no answer – and these responses can cause feelings of helplessness, anxiety and a decrease in confidence.

To better manage emotional resources during the surrogacy journey, positive psychology aims to identify what in the surrogacy process is under our control and what is not, and to channel our energy into areas that are under our control, such as our relationships, our mood and activities that fulfil us and make us happy.

When we deal as much as possible with issues within our control, we will see progress (for example, a better relationship with our partner, improved mood, better health) and thus our confidence levels will rise and anxiety will decrease.

So whenever something in the process bothers you, before you try to deal with it, ask yourself if it’s under your control or not. If not, say goodbye to trying to deal with it, and move on to dealing with areas under your control. The better we manage our mental resources, the higher our levels of personal wellbeing and resilience and the better we will go through the journey. And as well as feeling happier, you will save more energy for the new baby, which you will need!

Positive psychology and resilience are strongly interrelated. Applying positive psychology approaches can strengthen resilience, and enables people to cope with difficulties more effectively and develop positive traits more easily.

Good luck!